Things you wish could be stolen

Things you wished were Nicked
As if a dodgy barnet and an ex-fiancé in prison were not enough to send Amy Winehouse kicking and screaming back into rehab, last Friday she faced a new crisis. Whilst sprawled out on a beach in the Bahamas, it was reported that the singer’s Camden flat was broken into and ransacked for£15,000 worth of goods. Despite the saying worse things happen at sea, for Amy it appears worse things happen 7,561 km across the Atlantic.

It appears we live in a world where things are constantly disappearing. This includes Britain’s thriving economy, the O-zone layer, Victoria Beckham’s waistline, and fearfully with every passing minute, my bank account. Surely by now we should be used to having things taken away from us. After all, isn’t borrowing defined as a slower process of stealing? Although theft is frowned upon in society there always remains in a dusty cupboard or hidden under the stairs those things that you wished were pinched. Obvious items include dodgy looking presents that you are forced to pretend you like, find useful, or do not want to burn.
What instantly springs to my mind was the fateful year when I received a wooden table carved in the shape of a cat. Sadly to this very day its perched figure on all fours with its back holding cups still haunts my memory. If only it was stolen by some hideously old cat-lover to save myself from its disturbing presence.
Other things I doubt anyone would mind being pinched include the password to your mum’s Facebook account. Since when did this ‘just-checking-up-on-you’ stalking become acceptable as caring parental behaviour? Surely these acts should be reclassified as a violation of privacy.

Likewise I doubt if anyone would object to the temporary stealing of phones to avoid the embarrassment of drunken texts. Despite how vital it seems at the time, your ex does not need to read “I aamofu leuke you...WU PL RODNE ME” at three o’clock in the morning.


According to the BBC, £1.4bn is stolen each year in the UK due to identity fraud. Despite these consequences being disastrous for both companies and individuals financially, isn’t there a silver lining to this cloud? In this case, look upon the situation of someone stealing your identity as a window of opportunity. Suddenly it becomes your God-given right to start from scratch in building a new bogus identity for yourself. This way, on a night out you can find yourself several years older, more successful than Alan Sugar and the long lost sibling of Kate Moss. Sure enough a new identity can pour out of your mouth quicker than alcohol can drain back down it.
Finally if the Grinch is capable of stealing Christmas, perhaps someone could do the world a favour and steal Valentine’s Day. Is it not simply a holiday created by Clinton cards to burn another rainforest? Or Thornton’s so that they can melt and reform all the excess chocolate Santa’s into love hearts? Either way I’m sure hijacking Valentine’s Day would do no one anyone any harm. At the end of the day stealing is a sin and is morally wrong, but then so is your mum on Facebook.

Posted by: Eleanor Brown